We spend most of our initial years learning and evolving, and part of that comes from learning about ourselves. That said, it can take years getting to know yourself. Meeting someone who becomes the love of our life can add to that process.
But at times, it can also mean a shift in the opposite direction. Before long, our world starts to revolve around them. Our focus shifts and our dreams stagnate and all this while we refuse to see the harm we're doing to ourselves and our self worth. Living in denial becomes a thing.
This is much more dangerous than one can imagine.
But I wasn't in denial for long. I realised what I was doing to myself by letting my life revolve around one person for months. This is someone I think I am in love with. As adorable as he is, as fun as he is, as crazy he makes me, is losing my sense of self in the process worth it in the end?This one person is always on mind. Before I go to sleep and after I wake up, his face is always there in my head. My mornings are about someone else and not about how I'll plan my day. If this isn't stupid, what is?
My decisions are getting affected. Something as simple as where or what I'll eat or if I should take that job in another city kind, every decision is made keeping this person in mind. Does he even know about all this? I can't respect myself for putting up with this, how can I expect him to be okay with this? When was the last time I did anything keeping just myself in mind? My next thought: do I miss the time when I was single and all I had to do was deal with my problems. Yes.
I find myself heavily dependent on him, expecting him to be there when I am alone, taking care of me and my emotions, holding my bag, you name it. But why? I mean some dependence is okay, but seeking his support for every small thing, not okay.
It was just the other day that my best friend called complaining about how I was never free to meet him or any other friend for that matter. He saw it too: I was way too deep in my relationship. Now I realise alienating oneself from the world all for the sake of this one relationship is never going to be okay in any world. There's zero balance between my social and love life.My partner never asked me to do this. He never said a word. It was all me.
It is not that my goals have taken a back seat but my focus has. I was born to create something big, be the best version of myself. Instead I'm distracted. I now realise I never should've and never will put my dreams and aspirations on the back burner just to satisfy a relationship.
It's been a while since I enjoyed 'me' time or even read something I love. I have yet to spend two solid hours without thinking about him.
So, dear me. It's time you get up and pull yourself (me) up because I am done basing my life on decision that involve that one person, living on his replies and waiting for call backs. This clingy behaviour is suffocating me. I would never accept a person like me and I sure as hell won’t do that to him.
The most mature, ultimate form of love is a love in which your happiness comes from within, and your love for him makes you the best version of yourself. This is a kind of relationship we all should try and build.