Make Room For Space In Your Relationships

Q: How much space should be given in a relationship?
--Sarika, 26, Delhi


Dear Sarika,

Your question is very broad, but the simple answer is that you should give as much space as your partner asks for. I have the sense, however, that you are dissatisfied with this issue.

Either you feel that your partner wants to be too distant or that you do. Another possibility is that one of you isn’t comfortable with too much closeness. Intimacy is a sensitive matter in relationships, and the typical pattern is that one person wants more intimacy while the other backs away from it.

 

What you need is communication with your partner. I have no way of knowing as an outsider if one of you is jealous or distracted or self-absorbed. Only you and your partner can clear the air. If you feel angry and frustrated, don’t pick a fight over this. Instead, find a time when the two of you are quiet and in good humour. Raise the issue gently and back off if you meet with resistance. Let the message sink in without wrangling or nagging. Repeating yourself will only aggravate any resistance you meet. Be gentle and speak from your heart. That is the important thing when delicate matters need to be settled.

Love,
Deepak

 
Q: ‘Being silent on adverse comments.’ Does this form a strong, deep, character or should one stand-up, uttering sharp words in defence?
Aasha Daga, 79 years

Dear Aasha,

If i can be permitted to say so, your age is an interesting part of your question. Do you find, after many years, that you want to stand up for yourself? Or are you offering advice to a younger person? It would help to know the circumstances.

In general, it is important to speak your truth. The alternative isn’t between silence and speaking sharply. The choice lies between knowing what you want to say and not saying it. This leads to frustration and a sense of helplessness. I realize that many people find it hard to speak their truth. For some, there is hesitancy, self-doubt, and the habit of keeping quiet in order to feel safe. This can be especially so with women of an older generation.

The way to move forward is to know yourself and your limits. If you are an assertive person, don’t speak just because you are in the habit of asking for things to go your own way. Look inside and decide if you are speaking the truth in a personal way. An example would be to say, “I feel hurt” rather than “You are being mean to me.” The first is a personal expression in which you are accepting your power and truth; the second is blame, and giving up control of your well being to another. The truth is rarely contained in blame.

The issue is also one of communication. To communicate requires a speaker and a listener. It does no good to shout at a stonewall. If there is blocked communication, that is the issue that needs settling; not whether to keep silent or speak up in self-defense. I hope that helps.

Love,
Deepak