Overcome whatever contributes to your anxiety

Francis was one of the leading candidates for the chief strategy officer role and he had been anxious for months to get it. Not only did he not get the position, but also, one of his peers was going to be his new manager. He felt let down and sad. He felt sorry for himself and was deeply concerned about his stature within and outside the firm.

Francis’s experience is not unusual. We all routinely experience significant anxiety about our business targets, financial rewards, social status, parents’ health, children’s future, personal well-being and so forth. Underlying all such anxiety is an established pattern – first established by Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotional Behavioural Therapy, it’s the pattern of ABC.

‘A’ stands for adversity. It indicates any kind of setback that we experience or anticipate experiencing. ‘C’ represents the consequences of that setback – how we emotionally experience it. Whether we feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, worried, helpless, etc.

While we are quick to rationalise how ‘A’ directly leads to our state of ‘C’, there is invariably a factor in-between these two states. The factor of ‘B’. ‘B’ stands for our beliefs. All our thoughts and feelings emanate from our deep-seated beliefs. These personal beliefs determine the consequences of adversity for each of us – how we feel with every real or anticipated setback.

There are two kinds of beliefs that particularly contribute towards our anxiety. The first centres around the absolute necessity of certain outcomes in our mind. I absolutely must get promoted; my children absolutely must love me as much i love them; i absolutely must never do anything less than perfect. The absolute nature of such mental demands creates anxiety. Besides, not achieving these absolute goals results in our feeling like a failure. The second set of unhelpful beliefs are usually around our desire for approval by others. We wish for others to really like us. If any of the adversities endangers our perception of our likeability, we feel gravely anxious.

Francis had a strong belief that his self-worth is defined primarily by his success at work and that being passed on for this promotion spells doom for his future. He also believed that his colleagues would naturally start judging him poorly.

The key to altering the recurring pattern of anxiety arising from the common triggers of adversity, is to examine our related beliefs. ‘D’ is for disputing those beliefs. Is it true that i absolutely must get promoted to have greater self-worth or be happier? Consider reframing this belief. While a promotion would be nice, it’s not that i can’t survive without it; if i continue to focus on building relevant skills, the promotion will follow at the right time; being successful at work is merely one part of who i am and not being at the top does not make me a lesser person.

Likewise, we need to dispute the other dominant belief: that your colleagues would now think less of you. You cannot let what people think of you determine what you think of yourself. If you are resilient and positive, they would be too.

‘E’ is for establishing effective beliefs and strategies – that are healthier and serve you well. As Francis started examining his limiting beliefs and embracing healthier ones, he began to feel significantly more positive. (The writer is a Singapore-based life coach)

 
DISCLAIMER : Views expressed above are the author's own.