I divorced my husband only to want him more later on

I was one of those people whom everyone heard about every day...someone who went against their parents to marry the guy of their dreams only to separate later on. This nightmare had turned into a reality for me, as every single day I went through taunts and glares that made me feel incomplete as a woman. I felt burdened by those stares wishing the ground would just swallow me whole. But I couldn’t run away from it. I had married someone who I thought would be my forever, but only was it later did I realise it was all a mistake.

I had met Dhruv when he was a struggling musician who sang in bars and restaurants to pay for his home wages. He was a charming guy and his voice totally blew me away. I came quite often to the pub where he sang. I had just started my career as a banker. And one day, I gathered up the courage to talk to him. And we chatted for hours until the security guard asked us to go since it was closing time. We eventually fell in love after a couple of months. We went out together and I often helped him with his musical gigs. He was wonderful and very caring. He understood me and I felt happy when I was with him.

It was a year later when we decided to get married. It was the best plausible decision because I was madly in love with him. I had even met his parents and they seemed lovely. However, my parents weren’t really in favour of me marrying him. They argued that he had no real job and was still struggling and that we wouldn’t have a secure future together. But I was a strong, independent woman and I went with my decision to marry him.

The first few years of my marriage were blissful. He was very supportive of my choices and I felt empowered when I was with him. Even though he didn’t contribute much to the household savings, he made it up by doing all other chores when I wasn’t available. However, even after months and years, Dhruv failed to come up with a concrete job and plan for the future. And after 2-3 years, Dhruv started becoming too dependent on me for all his expenses. It was slowly getting exhausting as I was the sole breadwinner. We lived a comfortable life but Dhruv started making unnecessary demands and expenses that was creating issues. What’s worse, his parents started visiting our home way too often and were finding faults in everything. They were being a nuisance. Even when I tried talking it out with Dhruv, he ignored it completely. We stopped talking after all these issues and the only time we did was when we yelled at each other. My blissful marriage had turned into a battleground where I was constantly fighting every day to get his attention and to be a responsible partner in the marriage.

Despite my ardent efforts, we stopped talking completely. It was getting very frustrating and I couldn’t be with someone who was being so difficult. As much as I loved him, I loved and valued myself more. I felt so unhappy with him last year that I finally decided to take the step that I never thought I had to take. I filed for divorce . And I was further distraught to see that Dhruv didn’t care much to even fight for us. He agreed to the divorce. During all of this, we still didn’t talk. I did take an initiative but he never returned it. The proceedings went through some difficult months but finally, the day came when we would be separated completely. I never thought I would become someone who ignored her parents’ advice and marry someone just for love. After all, it wasn’t enough.

We got divorced in the summer of 2016. I continued doing my job but I was emotionally drained from an exhausting marriage. But what I missed the most was him. Even though I chose myself in the end, I still loved him. His charm, his incredible voice and his personality was what caught my eye. I hated how all of this made me feel. I longed for him on days when glimpses of my marriage flashed right in front of my eyes. Sometimes, I second-guessed my decision of divorcing him. We didn’t keep in contact because it was too painful. I agree, but my heart longed for him. My parents have been considering getting me married for the second time, but I still wonder, will I ever be able to love someone else again?

Story written by Debomitra Das