'I'm a diagnosed narcissist - this is what it's actually like to date one'

When you hear the word 'narcissist', what do you think?

Perhaps it's a self-centred or manipulative partner - someone your TikTok relationship guru is urging you to stay away from in a video of dating 'red flags'. But one diagnosed narcissist has now come forward to shake off typical, scaremongering myths, claiming the disorder isn't exactly what you might expect.

Kylee Rackam, an influencer from Massachusetts, only discovered she had a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) in January of this year, but has been dealing with its symptoms, unknowingly, for most of her life. "I’d always felt like something was off," she told The Mirror. "So, when that diagnosis came upon me, it made a lot of sense."

When telling people she's a narcissist, the 27-year-old claims that many people are quick to label her 'cruel', 'evil' and even 'demonic'. And although a lack of empathy and coercive behaviour are among typical traits of NPD, this only scratches the surface.

She continued: "I don’t like the 'armchair diagnosers', there are so many NPD abuse coaches who are often not qualified professionals that make videos like 'here are the five signs of a narcissist' ... and it’s like the most basic things ever that don’t even equate to narcissism.

"A lot of people just assume that it’s like an a**hole, a toxic person or whatever. But no, it’s a specific set of nine criteria and you have to meet at least five to be diagnosed - I met seven of them."

A grandiose sense of self, unrealistic fantasies of achieving wealth and an additional desire to be associated with high-status individuals, are three common NPD symptoms. Kylee, however, has particularly struggled with a need for excessive admiration, envy and setting unreasonable expectations for herself, as part of what's referred to as 'covert narcissism'.

This is the more introverted side of the disorder, with Kylee not appearing as a stereotypical 'loud and proud' narcissist, but instead feeling very inferior and ashamed of her largely self-centred condition.

She also admits that exploiting others for personal gain has been another trait of hers, making it previously impossible to truly fall in love or sustain healthy relationships. However, therapy has helped her move past this and she claims that her old self is no longer recognisable.

"I would purposely ignore people for days on end - people I was dating," Kylee explained. "I would watch the texts pile up and get to see their panic and their worry, and I would feel a sense of pride. I would purposely post on social media so they would know I was active and ignoring them.

"Or just try to start a fight right before they went to bed, so they would have a sleepless night, and I felt pride about that. Or I would exploit their vulnerabilities and weaknesses. I was very good at reading micro-expressions in people and figuring out the insecurities of others and I would use that against them. I’d say the most cruel, heinous things and I used to get a sense of pride out of it.

"I was unable to love people. It was all transactional, it was all for some sort of benefit or gain ... Looking back, it feels like a totally different person, but I know that was me. I do feel guilt and remorse, I did emotionally hurt a lot of people. I did not know how to show positive emotions."

Kylee therefore believes that when unmanaged, narcissism is incredibly harmful - especially in a relationship - but there are still some huge misconceptions about NPD. She continued: "People think narcissists do not have emotions, they do not have guilt, they don’t have remorse.

"Lacking empathy doesn't mean you do not have any - they have a lot of emotions but their empathy is just a little bit dulled. So, for me, it’s hard for me to emotionally connect with someone when they are having an issue or a problem. It's more so that I have to logically think about it and be like, 'ok they’re upset' - I have to rationalise it.

"I'm like 'the fixer', I try to intellectualise it and go into fix-it mode ... Are [narcissists] capable of love? Yes, they're not irredeemable, they're not incapable of change, but it requires a lot of work on their part."

Amid these misconceptions, Kylee has taken to the internet to raise awareness of NPD and other mental health issues. She's now garnered more than 75,000 followers on Instagram (@kyrackam), thanks to her regular stigma debunks and explainer videos.

Sometimes, she also posts videos with her partner - a diagnosed sociopath. The pair of them both go to therapy and help each other navigate their disorders. Kylee claims they no longer do 'any of that toxic b***s***'.

She stressed: "If I have a disorder I’m going to talk about it and try to help others. Like, why hide away from it? You shouldn’t romanticise it and I don’t think you should demonise it. I think you should talk about it in a neutral way where you give out the facts.

"I receive death threats pretty much daily on my videos because of my diagnosis. Before my diagnosis, I had so much love, positivity and support because I’ve been a mental health creator for years. After the diagnosis, I’ve been just dogpiled with hate every single day- it’s been an adjustment.

"...But I do also get a lot of positivity too. About like 'wow I see NPD a lot differently because of you'...It's a disorder but we’re also people - we’re not robots, we’re not irredeemable. We have emotions just like you, we go to bed at night just like you. We are capable of love and happiness and joy - we’re people."

Have you got a story to tell? Get in touch, at lauren.haughey@reachplc.com