How Your Bond with Your Mother Affects Your Romantic Relationships
Our very first emotional experience often begins with our mothers. Though this connection isn’t romantic, it becomes a powerful blueprint for how we understand love, emotional safety, and intimacy later in life. From the way we seek closeness to how we handle vulnerability, this early bond can leave a lasting imprint on our romantic relationships.
According to Dr. Chandni Tugnait, Psychotherapist and Founder of Gateway of Healing, our childhood relationship with our mother can deeply influence how we navigate love as adults. Here's how:
1. Believing Love Must Be Earned
When a mother’s affection depended on achievements or perfect behavior, a child may grow up believing love is transactional. As adults, this belief can show up through over-pleasing, constantly putting a partner’s needs first, or hiding their own emotions just to feel accepted. For them, love feels like something that must be won—not naturally received.
2. Repressing Gender Expression
If a mother had critical views about emotional openness or gender roles, children may learn to suppress aspects of their identity to gain approval. Daughters might distance themselves from their feminine or sensual sides, while sons may shy away from vulnerability, fearing they’ll be seen as weak or unworthy.
3. Struggling with Intimacy and Trust
A bond marked by inconsistency, harsh criticism, or emotional neglect can lead to fear around emotional intimacy. These individuals often put up walls in relationships, fear closeness, or even self-sabotage healthy connections simply because true emotional safety feels foreign.
4. Blurred Boundaries and Emotional Role Confusion
In some families, children are subtly cast in the role of their mother's emotional confidante or stand-in partner. This kind of emotional enmeshment confuses relational boundaries in adulthood, making it difficult to maintain balanced partnerships. They may unconsciously repeat old dynamics or avoid commitment altogether.
5. Guilt When Choosing a Partner
When a mother maintains strong emotional control or sets unspoken expectations, children may carry guilt when making independent romantic choices. Even in fulfilling relationships, they might downplay their happiness or success to avoid feeling like they’re betraying their mother’s influence.
6. Seeking Familiar Emotional Landscapes
Humans naturally gravitate toward what feels familiar—even if it’s unhealthy. If the maternal bond was marked by control, emotional distance, or conditional love, adults may unknowingly seek partners who replicate these patterns. It’s not always a conscious choice; it's simply what their nervous system registers as “normal.”
❤️ Healing Is Possible
Romantic relationships often reflect unresolved emotional experiences from our earliest bonds. The relationship with your mother doesn’t define your love life—but it does provide the first “script.” The good news? That script can be rewritten.
Awareness is the first step toward healing. By recognizing the emotional patterns you’ve inherited, you can begin to make conscious, empowering choices. Love doesn’t have to be something you work for—it can be something you receive with ease, openness, and trust.