'I dreamed of joining Manchester United but quit football because of my penis'
A filmmaker abandoned his boyhood dream of a football career due to fears about the size of his penis. Sikou Niakate, 34, grew up playing football in Paris and idolisingSir Alex Ferguson's Manchester United sides.
He aspired to emulate David Beckham and Patrice Evra at Old Trafford, showing promise and even drew comparisons to Manchester City legend Yaya Toure due to his tall frame and style of play. However, Niakate has now revealed how he let go of his dreams of joining a football club because he felt embarrassment about his private parts.
In a fascinating new documentary titled 'Dans le noir, les hommes pleurent' (In the Dark, Men Cry), which addresses issues of masculinity and is
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Speaking to L'Equipe, he said: “As a child, I only wanted one thing: to become a footballer. I dreamed of Manchester United, the red shirt, the number 7, David Beckham, and Patrice Evra. I gave everything for it. I played football for at least three hours a day. I was good. Excellent, even. I played midfield, sometimes as a number 10. I was tall, very tall. In middle school, I was already 1.92 m. I was technically gifted. Really technically gifted. Which is rare for a tall guy.
“I had better passing accuracy than all the guys I played with; I was even the one who crossed the ball, even though I was the tallest, because I was so precise. I was a bit like Yaya Touré. I was playing in my neighbourhood, in Paris, in the 19th arrondissement. Naturally, the question of joining a club came up. But that would have meant accepting the idea of communal showers, and for me, that was unthinkable. Impossible. What I was hiding would become visible.”
He explained: “When I was little, one day, I was getting ready to shower while my sister was cleaning the bathroom. We started bickering, she got angry and said to me, laughing, 'With your tiny little d***.' When she said that, those words pierced me, they killed me. I thought I wasn't normal, that my body wasn't beautiful, and that I was going to have to hide it.
“Later, after a football match, one of my friends showed me his penis, for no reason, just as a joke, and asked me to show him mine. His penis was much bigger and I didn't want to. He kept pressuring me, insisting it was weird that I said no. I had no choice. I pulled down my sweatpants and underwear. He looked, held back a laugh, then exploded: 'You have a tiny little d***, it's crazy.'
“I was dying inside. I walked behind him, looking at the ground, head down. I'm a monster. So I decided never to play club football. Never, ever. So maybe when I did play, I was twice as good because I was compensating for not being able to play on a team. I'm not saying I had the talent for a huge career, but I think I could have played for a club, even a good one. But showing myself naked wasn't an option.
“I talk about the importance of penis size in my documentary, 'In the Dark, Men Cry'. And with all the feedback I received, I realised it affects a huge number of men. It's called 'the locker room syndrome.'
“I used to think I was the only one whose mind was constantly saying, 'How embarrassing to have this body!' It never left me. In middle school, in PE, I always scored between 17 and 20, but when it came to swimming, I got a zero. I never went. It would have meant wearing a swimsuit that would cling to my crotch. Wearing a swimsuit in the shower? Forget about it!
“If I played basketball in a club, it was because I could implement a strategy. I was in a hospitality school at the time. To avoid having to change in the communal locker room, I would explain that I couldn't be there earlier because of my classes and I would arrive after practice had started, still wearing my school suit. On game days, at worst, I had to take off a pair of pants, quickly put on shorts, turn around, talk, create a diversion, but the communal shower was out of the question.
“I am aware that penis size has taken on an irrational importance in my life. It's my inner war. Very early on, I told myself, 'I'm finished.' As a child, I looked at my body with profound dislike but I kept telling myself, 'It'll change when I grow up.' I had this utopian vision. After a while, I realised that this body had a taste of permanence, so that utopian vision died and that's when I went very far. I told myself that I absolutely had to change. I researched surgeries and so on.
“I feel like I've been punished by the genetic lottery, like I'm failing in my duty as a man and it shapes every aspect of my life. Obviously, it's excessive; I've seen with my partners how it wasn't an obstacle to pleasure, or even a topic of discussion, that they didn't perceive it the way I did. They would say, 'What are you talking about?' Probably, as a black man, I also thought that my normality had to be excess, that I couldn't just conform to the French norm. I imagine that can fuel a distorted view of oneself.
“Things have gotten better since I've allowed myself to experience some shared intimacy, something that was unthinkable for a long time. But while the public self, the clothed self, is very comfortable, the naked self is much less so.”